I am writing to you because when I first discovered your teachings back in the August last year, I felt I had finally found the missing piece to all the wealth of experiences for which my heart craves. It was like a long lost dream come true, a dream which opened new paths to chase new dreams. And yet for some reason I just could not concentrate and carry out the steps that you said were necessary to bring about any kinda change in our lives. I just could not do it. I guess you were correct when you said that most of us do no really want to change. I’ve often felt alone, left out, unwanted, deprived of everything and nothing in particular. I am so used to being confused that I don’t even know what clarity feels like anymore.
I want things but now I know that I want them out of the blankness of my own heart. If only you could come down and put me out of my misery. Because, I cannot go back now. My life will never be the same. I can never again accept the idols that we used worship as Gods. But I still do not have courage enough to own up that the God I have been seeking all my life, is in me as me. I am afraid. It’s so big. It feels like if I found out that it’s true, it will change my life, I dread the change because somewhere back along the trail, O don’t know where I picked it up, I formed this belief that change is bad, that everytime something changes in my life, it’s always for the worse. I feel that why should this time be any different? Yes. I am the ‘mad man hiding behind the stone begging not to be cleansed’ as you said in one of your lectures. But I just cannot help it! Or maybe I don’t want to help it.
So you see, I am a wreck. I want to change and I don’t want to change. The force equally strong on both side of the rope and I am being stretched out. And it’s killing me. It’s making me wretched. I cannot seem to get out of this little bubble of limited possibilities. The years are melting away from my life as if ice set on fire and I am just sitting here – waiting around like a loser – waiting for life to happen to me instead of going out and making it happen. I am always afraid that I’ll end up messing things up because that’s what I always do. That’s what I have always done. I wreck things. I wreck them so bad that Titanic was thankful it didn’t hit me instead!
I have always felt so little. So powerless. So out-of-place that the idea that I could be something as big as the creator of my world and my surroundings is just too scary. And I think that’s why give it all up. Maybe I am just scared of finding out what will happen if I carried it on to the finish. Even now, as I am writing this letter to you, I feel like this isn’t right. I always feel like whatever I am doing, it’s wrong. Even I it is right, it’s wrong.
Why am I like this?
Why must I feel like complete crap?
Why cannot I change? Why cannot I want to change?
When will I change?